my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
