woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
