Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so let's talk penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
