Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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