did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
