I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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