dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
