your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
