Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
