Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have aggressive nipples.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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