Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He better not be in your backpack
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am naked and annoyed.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
