im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
