Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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