apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
