Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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