I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Congratulations! We have a period
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