I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize