He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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