he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
