well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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