We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
