I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
