I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
