So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
