Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
