Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
