I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
