I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just gargled with NyQuil
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
