i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
