I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
