The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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