He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
