I can text with my tongue
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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