It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
