She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
