I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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