I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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