that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
