You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think my nap took me to another dimension
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
