I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
