I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Sext me about skeletons
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize