I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
