I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
