i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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