aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
