I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
