YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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