good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
