They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
