So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
