Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
