So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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