Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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