Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
