and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
