Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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